On the Trail of the Elusive Conch Migrants

Sandy and I, on behalf of the Trump Administration, will be heading to Key West soon to answer the burning question on everyone’s lips: Instead of allowing immigrants from “shithole” countries, why aren’t we importing more people from the Conch Republic?

Our understanding is that the people of the C.R. speak a variation of English and are known to be skilled fisher persons and bar flies. But they are fiercely independent, so it is unknown whether they could be persuaded to migrate to mainland America.

Many Conchs rely on foreign aid that arrives daily at Mallory Square on ships bearing names such as Royal Caribbean, Carnival, and Princess. We’ve heard heartbreaking tales of desperate islanders lining the shore waving trinkets, hoping for handouts.

Perhaps those same ships could be used to transport fleeing Conchs to, say, Miami, which is well known to welcome with open arms Caribbean immigrants fleeing tyranny.

With their life experience living in the humid, tropical climes, Conchs could be ideal workers in our Beloved Leader’s promise to drain the swamp. Or perhaps, having repaired so many damaged sea walls after Hurricane Irma, their skills could be applied to Building the Wall.

As expert consumers of ethanol, they also could be handy in places, such as Naples where we live, when many bars are forced to close their doors during the summer after the snowbirds leave. Filling that gap would provide a valuable public service.

So, send us your best wishes and prayers as we prepare to embark on this hazardous mission. We’ll report back. If we make it.